


Lost

by onceandfuturekiki



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-03-29
Packaged: 2018-05-29 20:45:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6393181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onceandfuturekiki/pseuds/onceandfuturekiki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Keyleth thinks that Vax’s actions while they were fighting to close to rift in the Fire Realm shows exactly why she can’t let herself love him. But father knows best. (Written before episode 46 - Cindergrove Revisited, so it's technically now canon divergent). A very rough version of this was posted to Tumblr, but this is a far more complete and polished version.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost

**Author's Note:**

> This is not a post-ep for Cindergrove Revisited (although I suppose it could be were I to make changes to a few details). It was written before episode 46 aired, as a sort of post-ep for Those Who Walk Away.

Keyleth found it was hard to avoid Vax’s looks when what she wanted more than anything in the world was to look back at him.

She’d remained close to her father throughout the entire ordeal, focusing on how happy she was that he was here with her. At the same time, though, she worried that he would be able to see the turmoil in her mind, that he would be able to know, just by looking at her, exactly what had been going on in her life. When she was a child he’d always been able to know just how she was feeling, no matter what face she tried to put forth.

In all honesty, she wasn’t entirely sure what his reaction to… her whole situation would be. Their brief exchange before they’d taken off to close the rift hardly allowed for enough time to discuss everything, and in that moment he had simply been filled with happiness and relief at seeing her alive. Would he be so kind and understanding later, when that relief had worn off and he realized just how badly she had been stalling on her Aramente, or the things the party had done that she still wasn’t convinced hadn’t brought down hell on their world? Would he be so understanding when he found out she was being a coward and letting her feelings for Vax break her?

The ache in her chest every time she felt Vax’s eyes on her was heavy and painful, but she still managed not to turn around to meet his eyes. She needed to be strong now. She had spent so much time being weak, and look where that got her.

Of course, best laid plans and all that.

Her focus had been so completely on closing the rift that she hadn’t noticed a particularly aggressive Efreeti coming her way until Vax had jumped in front of her, taking the brunt of the blow, which resulted in a large burn along his ribs.

Keyleth’s world had slowed to a crawl as she watched him fall, screaming in pain. Her body tensed and it felt like her heart stopped as she stood there, sure that she was losing him, just as she had been so terrified would happen. She found herself remembering the moment in Anders’ study back in Whitestone, watching him fall to the ground, watching his blood splatter as a sharp weapon was pulled out of his body. She remembered seeing him, unconscious, on the grass outside of the palace, so still she was certain he was dead. Seeing him lying there, his skin scorched, waiting for him to breath, to move, to do _something_ , the pain hit her in the chest just as it had in the past, like a sharp, heavy sword was piercing her heart and _twisting_. When he finally stood, albeit a bit unsteadily, and went to help Scanlan with an irritating fire imp, relief shot through her, her body sagging out of its tense stance, the pain in her chest morphing to nausea in her stomach.

And then she was pissed.

She had just told him that she was paralyzed by the fear of losing him and he went and did something stupid like that?

Afterward, as they all sat together, tending to their wounds with the rest of the survivors at the base of the mountain, their mission completed, she watched as Vex helped Vax gingerly sit on the ground, removing his shirt to examine his burns.

Her chest ached with a ghost of what she had felt earlier in the day, and her eyes burned as she looked at his injuries from afar. Even far away, the marks and the wounds looked sickeningly bad, and the thought of what they looked like up close made her sick, the nausea she’d felt since he’d stood back up intensifying, and the expression on Vex’s face confirmed her worry.

Unable to see anymore, Keyleth squeezed her eyes shut and breathed in through her nose deeply, trying to quell her nausea and push back the tears. When she opened her eyes again, she pointedly avoided looking at the twins, even as she could feel Vax’s eyes on her. Hoping for distraction, her gaze wandered over the rest of the group,  and she found her father, whose attention was on whatever conversation he was having with some of the other Ashari. His focus was on the person with whom he was speaking, a man she vaguely recognized but whose name she could not remember, but he glanced over at her for a brief moment, sending her a serene, comforting smile, before turning back to the discussion.

Finally, unable to do anything else, she looked back over at the twins, noting the look of concern still on Vex’s face, and the pain that Vax was so clearly trying to hide. “Dammit,” she cursed under her breath as she stalked over, her body tense and rigid.

Vex’s eyes met hers as she came to stand over Vax. “I think he’s going to be okay,” Vex said, chewing on her bottom lip. Keyleth noticed how her eyes went back to her brother, and then returned to her. “Don’t be mad at him.”

“I’m not mad,” she replied, knowing that the coldness of her voice gave away what a lie her statement was.

“Keyleth,” Vex said, taking her hand. Her tone had an edge of desperation to it that Keyleth wasn’t used to hearing, and her grasp was tighter than expected.

Keyleth looked back down at Vax, whose eyes were still on her, clouded with pain. Seeing it up close sent a sharp stabbing sensation through her heart, making her wonder if perhaps she had been injured without realizing it.

“I’ll take care of him,” Keyleth said quietly.

Vex looked at Keyleth, then back to her brother, then to Keyleth again. She must have noticed the intensity in the druid’s eyes, because she began to back away, saying, “Okay. I’ll go check on Percy.” Eyeing the two warily one last time, she turned around, heading to where Percy was resting, nursing a burned arm and a bruised shoulder.

“Keyleth-“ Vax started as she kneeled next to him, getting ready to heal him.

“Be quiet,” she snapped, her voice low but harsh. Once again she could feel Vax watching her as she closed her eyes, concentrating on healing his burns. “Taking off that armor was stupid.”

“I could barely move,” Vax said with a weak, thready voice, defending his decision.

“I said be quiet.” She pressed her hands into his side, and she wasn’t sure if the way his body tensed was because she had pressed too hard in her anger, or if he was having an all together different reaction to her touch. Focusing on mending Vax’s burned flesh, she shut out all of the sounds around her, concentrating on the magic that she sent flowing into his body.

When it was finished, she pulled her hands away and folded them into her lap, sitting there next to him, not saying anything. The feeling of his eyes on her made angry tears spring up, and she bit her lip, hard, to keep herself from crying

“Kiki-“ he tried again.

It was the softness of his voice that set her off, the tenderness with which he spoke to her, so incredibly similar to the way he’d sounded a few nights before when he’d told he loved her. “Do you even think before doing  _anything_? Do you ever think about the consequences of the things you do? Or do you just go ahead and do whatever you feel like without thinking about anyone else?” Keyleth burst out, her anger and fear boiling over.

“The armor would have been more of a hindrance than a-“

“I’m not talking about the armor!” she all but shouted, earning looks from Percy and Vex, who were the closest to them out of the rest of the group. Noticing the attention, Keyleth tried to lower her voice, “I’m not talking about the armor.”

Understanding crossed his face as he came to realize what exactly she  _was_  talking about.

“That Efreeti was huge and it was coming right for you. Did you really want me to just let you die?”

Even as they were arguing his voice was impossibly gentle and loving. It was the voice that he always seemed to reserve for just her, even long before she had any idea of what he felt for her. His entire tone would change when her was talking to her, and it has always made her feel safe and special, filling her chest with warmth and her veins with honey.

Now, though, all it did was make her angry.

“What I want is for you to stop constantly putting yourself in situations that might lead to you getting killed.”

She looked down at his now healing burn. There would be a scar, but it wouldn’t be as bad as it would have been otherwise. Her eyes drifted to the other side of his torso, the scar under his ribs from the encounter in Anders’ study setting puckered and pink above the skin. Without thinking, her hand reached out to stroke it, as she once again remembered seeing him fall, remembered him taking the wound, the deep crimson of the blood as it splattered, the way he looked lying there, life pouring out of him.

Vax reached out, cupping her face with his hands. “Kiki.”

His voice snapped her out of her reverie, and she snatched her hands away, embarrassed. She felt his gaze everywhere, and her face burned as she tried to avoid his eyes.

“Did you even hear a word I said to you the other night?” Keyleth asked, staring at a spot on his shoulder. “Or did you just not care?”

“Of course I heard you,” he responded. “And of course I care.”

She brought her eyes back to his and searched them, wishing she could find all of the answers she wanted there.

But there were no answers. There was just what he felt for her and what she felt for him, and the sharp, nearly blinding pain that always seemed to come with it.

“Well, you certainly aren’t acting like it.”

With that, she pulled herself out of Vax’s grasp, stood, and walked away from him, feeling his eyes on her back the entire time.

* * *

 

She thought she’d chosen a rather secluded spot to cry, so when she felt her father’s hand on her shoulder, Keyleth jumped in surprise, trying to wipe the tears away before he could see them.

“You’re upset,” he said as he sat beside her, his brow furrowing in concern.

“No, it’s just… it’s been a long day. I’m tired.”

Her father merely watched her in response, and she could tell by the way that his eyes only grew more worried at her words that he didn’t believe her. As she looked back at the ground, avoiding his watchful, fretful gaze, she felt his hand close over hers, and she wanted to cry again. She hadn’t realized how much she had missed him, how much she’d missed his comfort, understanding, and guidance. She’d forgotten how much better just holding his hand could make her feel.

After a long moment of silence, her father finally said, “What’s the name of the young man who jumped in front of that Efreeti? I should thank him for saving your life.”

He knew. Of course he knew. He always seemed to know.

“That’s Vax,” she said, her voice low. “And he doesn’t deserve thanks for acting like an idiot.”

“He saved your life.”

“Father-“

“What’s wrong, Keyleth?”

Biting her lip, she looked up and met her father’s gaze for a brief moment before turning her eyes back down, staring blankly at her free had. How could she possibly tell him? How could she even try to put into words what had happened over the past few months with Vax? How could she put everything she felt into words? And how could she tell him that she was being such a coward?

“There is no way that any of us can avoid the pain of losing people we love,” her father said when it became clear that she wasn’t going to answer his question.

“It’s different for us, though,” Keyleth whispered.

“Not as much as you think.”

“How can it not be?”

“Losing people is a part of life. And there’s no way to know when it will happen. That’s just as true for us as it is for everyone else.”

“But we have to live with it for longer,” she pointed out.

“That is true. But would you really rather spend your entire life being so frightened of losing something that you never let yourself be happy?” he asked.

Keyleth was silent, wishing that this could all be easier, that she didn’t have these responsibilities, that she could have what she wanted without this crushing fear gripping her.

After several long moments of silence, her father started tentatively, “Losing your mother-“

“You didn’t lose mom,” she cut in, a desperate strain to her voice. “She’s not dead. I’m going to find her.”

“Keyleth…” he said gently. “Your mother is gone. Whether or not you find her living… she has been lost to me for over 15 years.”

She fell silent, hating what she was feeling, like she was a petulant child.

“Losing her was the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. And I still feel that pain. Acutely. But do you really think I would be happier if I hadn’t had the wonderful years I  _did_  have with her? Do you really think I would be happier if I hadn’t had you?” His voice was raw, and Keyleth watched him, stunned. She’d always known that her mother’s disappearance had pained him deeply, and it wasn’t something he tried to hide, but he had never spoken to her about it before. He had never been so open about it.

“It’s a fact of life every headmaster must eventually face,” he continued. “And everyone chooses differently. All I can say is that I’m glad that, when the time came that I did lose the woman I loved, that I’d spent the time we had together loving her, and being loved by her, rather than regretting that I had wasted so much time, thinking that it would spare my heart.”

His free hand moved up to cup over the back of her head, stroking the hair there. “Promise me you’ll think about that.” She could only nod, meeting his eyes for a brief second before looking away again.

Her father leaned in then, pressing a kiss to her forehead, and she almost burst into tears thinking of how much she had missed such a simple gesture. He began to walk away, but Keyleth stopped him before he had gone too far. “Daddy?”

“Yes, my dear?” he asked, turning back toward her.

“I am going to find her. I promise.”

His smile was tired. “If anyone can, I know it’s you.”

* * *

 

Keyleth had spent hours sitting in her small concealed spot, thinking about everything that had happened, and considering her father’s words. When she returned to the rest of the group, most everyone had spread out across the camp site and were fast asleep.

She tiptoed through the area quietly, not wanting to wake anyone. Finally, she found Vax, stretched out on a bedroll close to Trinket and Vex, laying on the side that was free of burns. Standing over him, she watching him sleep, his chest moving up and down as he took deep, steady breaths.

He was alive. That’s what mattered now. Not that he might not be later.

After keeping watch for several minutes, she moved to lie next to Vax, her head resting on his out stretched arm. Looping one arm around to his back, careful to avoid his burns, she pulled herself into him, her hand moving up to press against the scar between his shoulder blades, the one that marked him as hers.

At her nearness Vax began stir. His eyes drifted open and he looked at her, his eyes cloudy with confusion. “Kiki?”

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

And then she leaned in, kissing him softly. He was so stunned that he wasn’t even able to kiss her back before she was pulling away to look into his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry,” he started, his voice still sounding slightly pained from his wounds. “You were right, I’m reckless and stupid.”

“You’re not,” Keyleth started, then reconsidered. “Okay, yes, you are. But… I understand. I would have done the same thing if our positions had been reversed.”

A cloud of worry and sadness came over Vax’s eyes at her words. “I would never want you to get hurt because of me.”

“Funny how that works, isn’t it?”

He looked at her, his eyes questioning and confused, before he suddenly grasped what she meant. His expression turned somewhat bashful then.

She smiled in response to his expression, pulling herself closer while carefully avoiding his newest injury. The sensation of his fingers tracing feather-light touches above her waist gave her goosebumps that he must have interpreted as her being cold, despite the heat around them, because he flattened his palm against the small of her back and dragged her even closer, until there was hardly any space between them at all.

Ignoring the warmth of the environment, Keyleth basked in the heat from Vax’s body, another reminder that he was alive, that his heart was beating and blood was flowing through his veins. She focused on the feeling of his firm arm beneath her head, of his strong hand at her back, holding her close, of the warm skin of his chest against her palms, moving with each breath he took. Said breath fanned out over her face, her neck, her shoulders, warm and full of life. When she met his eyes he watched her face, his eyes happy, but still uncertain.

She answered that uncertainty with another kiss, watching him with her eyes still open, brushing her lips over his lightly, applying the slightest of pressures, waiting for him to respond.

Vax’s eyes slid close at the first, delicate touch of her lips, and her eyes followed when his lips pressed back against hers. She kept the kiss slow and gentle, even as she moved the slightest bit, shifting her body so she could add more pressure and deepen the kiss. As she brought one of her hands up to trace her fingers along his jaw, his hand pressed into the small of her back, urging her body closer to his, eliminating what little space had remained between them.

He pulled away from her, gasping, in need of air, another reminder that he was here, with her, alive.  

“Just promise me one thing, okay?” she asked, still breathless.

“Anything,” he whispered.

“There are very few ways that this ends that aren’t me losing you. Just… promise me that you’ll try to make sure that doesn’t happen for a long, long time.”

“I promise,” Vax replied, bringing the hand at her back up to stroke her cheek. He looked deeply into her eyes, and Keyleth gazed back, no longer trying to hide. “I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you, too,” she responded without hesitation.


End file.
